Dear John,

Ever since you leaked orange coolant all over my lab bench last week, I’ve been reevaluating our relationship. After much soul searching, I’ve come to the conclusion that you are unreliable. My needs aren’t being met. And, frankly there have been performance problems lately. Your inability to bring my PCR runs all the way to completion causes me concern. Your explanation for this, “error 44 unable to sustain temperature,” really sounds more like an excuse than anything else. I know that you aren’t as young as you once were, but I still need you to be able to sustain temperature all the way to the end of the run. My experiments are being left unfulfilled.

As I have considered our relationship, I’ve had to conclude that it’s time for me to move on. It isn’t you- it’s me. I’m not the same person that I was when you first came into my life. My needs have changed. I know they say that size doesn’t matter, but a 24-reaction capacity just isn’t enough to satisfy me anymore. I ‘m looking for someone with at least 96 wells. Not to put too fine a point on it, your footprint is just too big.

So I’m moving on. Right now, I’m playing the field. I’ll be trying out a couple of other thermocyclers. Please don’t feel bad- I’m sure that you will be able to find another investigator with whom you can have many successful experiments. I’ll always remember you fondly.

What more can I say?

Doug

Hey baby. Rrrowr. Woof.